Sunday, June 13, 2010

I was in the Twilight Zone!

Where am I? .... Is.... is that you? Am I really back? Thank God!

I have no idea where I've been the last three weeks. It was sort of like Fringe... same world, different reality. I still sort of feel like I'm there except I remember I have a blog.

Can't figure out what is going with me. I want to do things but just can't seem to get moving. Things have changed at home now that Mom is with me and I am having a tough time trying to get back to a schedule that works for me. I need to reorganize the condo so I can get some personal space back. Just don't know where I belong or how to make this new life work. I'm lost.

It's bad enough being lost but why is it that we allow our families to control how we feel when we are weak? My family (siblings specifically) is a normal family. We have all the normal issues every family has and in a lot of respects, I think I'm lucky with the family I have. But there are times when others speak of their families and no matter how "disfunctional" people say their families are, they all talk about the support they get from their families. Mine lacks that. Why is it that no one can just say congratulations or good job or even just keep their mouth shut instead of critizing any action I do. My entire life I have tried to gain acceptance from my brothers and sister and this weekend I finally gave up. After 45 years, no one is going to change so I have to be the one who does.

I started thinking about what I need to do to get myself to where I want to be. Tomorrow the plan begins. Screw those who think I can't do anything myself. I will show them that I can change and be better and healthier than anyone in my family. I will be the one that is healthy when I'm 80 while my brothers and sister are dealing with Alzheimers, type 2 Diabetes, joint problems and obesity. And I will feel good knowing that I tried to help them but they were the ones who said no.

God, help me to be strong, get healthy, and live the life I want. Amen!