I was in the Twilight Zone!

Where am I? .... Is.... is that you? Am I really back? Thank God!

I have no idea where I've been the last three weeks. It was sort of like Fringe... same world, different reality. I still sort of feel like I'm there except I remember I have a blog.

Can't figure out what is going with me. I want to do things but just can't seem to get moving. Things have changed at home now that Mom is with me and I am having a tough time trying to get back to a schedule that works for me. I need to reorganize the condo so I can get some personal space back. Just don't know where I belong or how to make this new life work. I'm lost.

It's bad enough being lost but why is it that we allow our families to control how we feel when we are weak? My family (siblings specifically) is a normal family. We have all the normal issues every family has and in a lot of respects, I think I'm lucky with the family I have. But there are times when others speak of their families and no matter how "disfunctional" people say their families are, they all talk about the support they get from their families. Mine lacks that. Why is it that no one can just say congratulations or good job or even just keep their mouth shut instead of critizing any action I do. My entire life I have tried to gain acceptance from my brothers and sister and this weekend I finally gave up. After 45 years, no one is going to change so I have to be the one who does.

I started thinking about what I need to do to get myself to where I want to be. Tomorrow the plan begins. Screw those who think I can't do anything myself. I will show them that I can change and be better and healthier than anyone in my family. I will be the one that is healthy when I'm 80 while my brothers and sister are dealing with Alzheimers, type 2 Diabetes, joint problems and obesity. And I will feel good knowing that I tried to help them but they were the ones who said no.

God, help me to be strong, get healthy, and live the life I want. Amen!

what's up with the gain?

Over the past week I have gained a little each day, even my waist and hip measurements have gone up slightly. Don't you just hate weeks like that. One thing I learned from all those years at Weight Watchers is that what happens this week may not be a direct relation to what I did this week. Sometimes the damage is a result of what I did or didn't do a couple of weeks ago.

Good thing the weather is good because that is what is keeping me positive at this point. And lets be honest, I'm not as good with watching what I eat as I pretend to be. One big problem is that lately I've been eating dinner around 8pm which is pretty late for me.

I was reading yesterday's Gloucester Times this morning and saw that RUN GLOUCESTER, a new 7 mile road race, is having it's first run this August. It made me think that since I'm feeling better, I need to start the C25K again. With my new knowledge of hydrating WHILE working out and added protein, maybe I can get further along with the program. I'm not saying that I'm running in the RUN GLOUCESTER, at least not this year but I have always dreamt about running a road race. I would like to say I ran at least one road race before I die.

Had coffee with the girls yesterday. My schedule has been a little crazy lately so I haven't seen them for a while. A couple of them were talking about getting thier bikes out and start riding now that the nice weather is here. They invited me along. I told them to give me another month to continue to build up my strength and endurance. That lines up with when my strenght training will end. CONFESSION: I bought a bike about 5-6 years ago and have never riden it. It's in the storage unit and everytime I see it I think, this year I'm going to get it out. Now I need to pull it out, check it over and do some maintainence to make sure it's in running condition. Maybe I'll even go for a quick ride before joining the girls, just to make sure I can do it. My fear is that with all the hills in Gloucester, I won't be able to get anywhere because I won't be able to make it up the hills.

As with all my fears lately, I just need to face them and figure out how to conquer. As long as I keep moving and eating healthier I should see improvement sooner or later.

small changes... HUGE DIFFERENCE

Well, last time I was off to get me a big ol' steak. I ended up eating about a pound... that's right a POUND, 16 OUNCES of steak tips. That was Wednesday night and I feel grrrrreat.

After surfing the web and looking at a million different sites about how much protien I need, I found that I was lacking by a LOT. Correction, the new me was lacking, the old couch potato me was right on target. As the exercise was increasing I was getting more and more tired because I was't fueling my body with the right things. Thursday I started tracking my protein intake to make sure I get enough. One problem that I see is that the increase in protein means an increase in calories as well. This worries me so I think I may try some Energizing Soy Protein. It's a powder and unflavored so I can add it to whatever I'm cooking. It's approximately 80 calories per 16 grams of protein so not too bad. It will be here in about a week so once I try it out, I'll let know what I think.

The other small change is how I drink water. I was drinking it (approx 36 ounces) after I worked out on my ride home. It takes about a hour and drinking it in the car gives me something to do. It also, I just found out, gives me enough time to get home before the bladder explosion. If traffic was stop and go, I'd be falling a sleep while driving... never a good thing. Once home, I was exhausted and just wanted to take a nap.

Wednesday I started drinking performance (electrolyte replacement) while working out. I only use one serving and just keep adding water. I drank about 30 ounces of water/performance and felt pretty damn good once I was done. Traffic was horrible and it took a little over an hour and half to get home but I was wide awake. The one draw back to drinking water while working out is that the bladder is ready to explode LONG before I make it home. Good thing for Chinese Restaurants because that is where I pulled in and wiggled my way to the skirt lady... just barely made it... phewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

All in all, I am feeling great because of these two little changes, more protein and replacing my electrolytes while I exercise. We all need to remember that everybody is different. If you're not feeling like you think you should then figure out why. Your body wants to feel good so if it's not then it's telling you that something is wrong and needs to change. Most of the time, small changes will make a huge difference. Learn to listen to your body. And of course, check with your Doctor just to make sure there isn't anything more serious that needs to be attended to.

It's amazing how much I'm learning on my adventure. Sure it's hard work sometimes but it's definitely worth it when you start feeling like you can do anything!

The missing link

Throughout my weight loss adventure, I have listened to, spoken with, and read about people who are experts in nutrition and exercise. The main points are always portion control and moving your body. I'm doing ok with the moving my body. Well, by OK I mean I started a program 3 days a week and I have stuck with it for a month a half now. I know I should be doing more but I just can't seem to get up enough energy. I started the C25K but after a week I was exhausted and had nothing left.

So now I'm looking at my portion control. Yes, with the added exercise I am hungry so I've been eating more. My portions are ok but I'm having lots of little portions and I'm just not losing or getting any more energy. My water consumption has increased to the point that I'm always looking for the dress lady so that's not it either.

Then it occurred to me, maybe I need to adjust WHAT I'm eating... could this be the missing link that will help me get my energy back? Do I need to add some electrolytes since I look as if I went for swim in my clothes after working out? Maybe I need more protein?

Most reputable diet plans tell you that you need a balance diet which includes, protein, carbs, and fats. I understand that part but how do I know how much of what I really need and from what kind of sources? The general guidelines were great for getting started but now I feel as though I need to start tweeking things a little. I feel like a I really need to increase my protein a bit but I don't know if it matters what kind of protein. I know my body loves red meat but would fish or chicken or a vegetable protein have the same affects?

I remember watching the Biggest Loser one night. They were at the US Olympic training site. The part that amazed me was when the chefs were talking about the different types of food that the different athletes ate. Some were high in carbs, other were high in protein, it all depended on what the body needed for each specific sport. It's makes sense, but I never thought of it before.

My body is definitely changing with the strength training that I'm doing and I'm wondering if I need more protein in my diet to make more muscle in my body? Maybe I need to get some more info. Could getting my energy back be something as simple as giving my body the right fuel so it can continue to build more muscle? Can my body be using energy meant for something else to build this muscle? I definitely need to do a little research on this.

I'll get back to you and let you know what I find out. Until then, I think I may have a nice juicy steak for dinner and see how I feel tomorrow.

Taxes and weight loss?

Never thought those two would be connected but they are. Here it is, May 10th and I am once again last minute with my taxes. Certain counties in MA recieved an extension until May 11th or 12th (don't really remember) so of course, I delayed doing mine. I have to admit, I love TurboTax software. Doing taxes with the software is actually pretty easy, it's the prep work that stinks! Just like weight loss, you need to plan and prep. If you prep some healthy snacks, it saves you from grabbing that goey, messy, sugarary, fattening filled goodie.

Last minute Annie, that's me. I keep saying I want to get more organized but I don't think I know how to. At least not on a consistant basis. Are you one, or have you ever heard of those people who take one day a week and cook their meals for the week? How cool would that be to come home after a long day, pull something out of the fridge and just heat it up. Wouldn't everyone love that? No more pouring cereal in the bowl with the milk because you're just too tired to make anything better. I can't tell you how many peanut butter sandwiches I've had for dinner or my all time favorite... A PINT OF ICE CREAM! I know, I know, not the best or even in the top 10 best choices but it happens.

Maybe I'll start small and deal with prepping snacks for easy grabbing. I brought a bag of pretzels with me last week to work. I actually thought I could portion them out and be good. I did portion them out correctly, I just did it several times in one day. Obviously I'm not very good with self control. This week, I'll put them in little baggies and only take one to work with me. That way, I'll only be able to eat one portion. Once I get that conquered, I'll try doing a few meals... maybe.

Facebook link

I logged into Facebook, quietly clicked on my profile, then edit and secretly added this blog web address to my websites. Shhhhhh... I told myself that I needed to link the two by May 1st. It's a little later than that but close enough. A little too scared to tell anyone about it so we'll see if anyone notices it and checks it out. One of these days I'll be more public about my journey in hopes that it will help others who deal with the same issues I have all my life.

Shoots and ...... misses!

Last Saturday was my third day of week 1 for the C25K. I bet you're wondering what happened, how I did... Well, I didn't. You know those stomach issues I was having, well, I just couldn't seem to brush it off and it continued to bother me for the past week. I decided to concentrate on the strength training this week and attempt the C25K again next week.

A little about C25K. A read an article in the Gloucester Daily Times about a friend who just ran the Boston Marathon for the first time and was starting a Couch to 5K program at the local Y. It sounded really cool. Then I was reading Jack Sh*t's Gettin Fit Blog http://jackfit.blogspot.com/ and he was posting about the C25K program. Then I started looking up more info and it sounded really cool. It's a program designed for non-runners to be able to run a 5K in about 9 weeks. There are even free IPod downloads to keep you on track. I am trying it out at home on the treadmill because me running down the boulevard is not something anyone wants to see... Believe me! There are way to many sights down there can blind a person and I don't want to be the cause of someone going blind!

Since I wasn't feeling well, I decided to start a journal. It contains everything I eat during the day including my vitamins and supplements, how I'm feeling, what time I wake up and go to sleep and stuff I've done during the day. Hopefully this will help me figure out what is triggering the mood swings, bloating, gas, irritability... I know, it does seem obvious. That's what I thought too but its just not lining up. Who knows, maybe its perimenopause and I just don't know it. I'll figure it out one of these days. I'm hoping my writing down my thoughts it may help my blogging. Most of the posts seem a bit boring. I'll try better, promise.

Confession of a coffee-aholic

Now that I'm exercising 6 days a week, I'm feeling pretty good about myself. But there is one item that I have been in denial about for a very, very long time... coffee. I say I only drink 2 cups a day. Of course I don't mention that those two cups are actually travel mugs that hold 16 oz. I make half a pot (6 cups according the coffee machine) of coffee (30 oz of water) every morning. Yes, I know, that is actually a lot more than my 2 cups. I really like to sit and watch the news while I drink my coffee and eat my peanut butter chocolate chip meal bar. What could be better than starting your day with coffee, peanut butter, and chocolate... YUM!

The last few mornings my stomach has been acting up... all you coffee drinkers know what I mean, the indegestion and running for the bathroom. I'm thinking it's my body telling me that I'm contradicting my exercise with all that unwanted and unneeded caffiene. So starting tomorrow, I'll be making half the amount of coffee, one travel mug, or 3 cups, or 15 oz of water however you want to state it and replacing the second cup of coffee with herbal tea. I actually like herbal tea, no calories, no sweetners, no coffiene, just water, herbs, and flowers. We'll see how that goes and maybe someday I can get off the coffee all together.

An interesting fact about coffee, it actually makes you hungry. Not sure how but I do remember learning that drinking coffee can make you feel hungry which in turn makes you want to eat more. Maybe that is why I seem to want to eat so much in the mornings. Some mornings I can't seem to satisfy the need to eat. Notice I didn't say satisfy the hunger. I'm not hungry, I just have a need to eat. Of course that could be a result of some underlying phsycological issue... nay, I just like the sensation of eating.

I need to go back and check the last couple of postings. I can't remember if I told you about the Couch to 5K (C25K)program that I started this week. Tomorrow will be the completion of the first week. I'll explain more about it in the post.

the scale vs the measuring tape

So, I've been strength training for 3 weeks now and the scale is still sitting on the same number it was when I first started training. Even though intellectually I understand that the weight loss program I am on combined with the strength training is building muscle while I'm losing fat, I STILL WAIT THE SCALE TO GO DOWN!!!!

Ok, thank-you for letting me get that off my chest. I am losing fat, this I know because I can actually pull my jeans off without unbuttoning or unzipping. Aside: having the jeans get bigger is great, but why can't I fit into the next size already? I'm going to look like some punk kid soon with the crouch down around my knees if I don't fit into the next size soon!!! end aside...

Since the grocery bags are getting lighter, I know my strength is increasing and I can now reach places on my back I never could so my flexability is getting better as well. All this is great but I STILL WANT THE SCALE TO GO DOWN!!!!

I know the weight number will eventually go down but with how obese I am, I would think the number would have gone down a little bit by now. There is such conflict in my head. The fact that my waist and hip measurements have gone down and the fact that my clothes are getting bigger are all things I try to concentrate on. Never before did I realize how important it is to take your measurements. It really is like a safety net so if the scale doesn't move, you can check the tape measure for a more accurate accounting of how you're doing.

I love the strength training. I am finally getting to the point where I am fatiguing my muscles. It's actually pretty cool, we use nautalus machines which means I'm sitting down for all the exercises... what could be better than that! We do 8-12 reps for each exercise for a 6 counts (2sec, 4sec) and we are suppose to fatigue the muscle in 60-90 seconds (this is why it's only 8-12 reps). It's amazing that this little work really works and strenghthens the muscles. The more muscle I can build, the faster my metabolism will be and the faster I burn calories.

If anyone hasn't tried strength training, you really should give it a try. It's fairly easy, quick and the results are amazing.

Annie lost her Groove

Last week I was in a definite funk. I don't know if it was the weather, something I ate, something someone said,... who knows. I didn't feel good, I was tired, blah and just wanted to eat all things unhealthy. I went to exercise class last Friday and was so tired that I really didn't want to be there. I went and did my work out, had a meeting at Panera. Not a good place for a meeting because I ended up eating a sandwich that I really didn't need and really wasn't hungry for. Got home and was exhausted.

This went on for about a week. If it weren't for a great group of ladies that I share a conference call with, I may still be looking for my groove. We talk once a week on Tuesday nights. We are a group of women all participating in the same weight loss program. Tuesday night we talk about how the week went, any issues or problems anyone had, sometimes we talk about new goals people have set or new recipes. What we talk about isn't important, it's more about a group of people all trying to support one another. I think that call helped me to get my mind clear again.

I may never know what triggered this funk but I am hoping to be more aware the next time it happens. Once I realize that I'm heading that way again, I need to record what is going on, what I'm eating, the weather, time of year, what conversations and people have I been around. i honestly don't know at this point if it was a specific thing or maybe a couple of things that happened at the same time. For all I know, I may go through this every Spring. I don't mind being in a funk, it happens to everyone, I just want to be aware so that I can get out of it as soon as possible. My biggest concern with this is that it goes on for weeks and ruins months of hard work.

I found my groove this week, thankfully! I definitely feel a shift is happening. Difficult to explain but I feel as though I am going through some sort of transition that will bring me to a better understanding. Understanding of what, I'm not sure... should be interesting.

exhileration or tiredness

Hello All!

I feel great today! Went to exercise class and increased all the weights except for the ABOMINATOR (I'll be discussing this horrible machine later). I went on the recumbant bike for 17 minutes and was sweating pretty good by the time I left. Since muscle recovery is important after working out, I drank my protein drink in the car along with a 20oz bottle of water. As you can see, I was thirsty! Rolled the windows down and drove to work. Such a beautiful day and lots of fresh air.

Make it to the office, sit down and I was ready for a nap...lol. It's amazing how quickly things can change. Did some work, took an energy chew and I felt great again. Almost wished I was home so I could have done the treadmill. Felt really good teaching class then home and I still had energy. Did all the normal stuff, walked the dog, fed him and the cats, made dinner for Mom and I and then sat down to watch a little TV. I'm getting tired but a good tired. I just can't get over how good I feel overall since I started exercising.

So, the ABOMINATOR, it's a crunch machine. A crunch as is the exercise that really works your abs. I started a couple of days ago at 10 pounds (the lowest weight) and I'm still there. The first day I barely got 12 done and my form was horrible. Today was the third day I'be been doing them and I think I'm doing much better. Completed the 12 with good form. I think I'm better off leaving it at the 10 pounds for another class or two before moving it up to 15 pounds. I feel like a weakling when I do this machine, especially when I see a couple of women about 20 years older than I am and they are doing more weight than I am. I'll get there, I just need to keep at it.

Everything went well today, no cravings, no closet eating, just a really good day. I know not everyday will be like this but at least when i have a bad day, I can remember this day and know that everything can go well.

Ruby

I weighed in yesterday, my usual day and was the same weight as Friday. A part of me was hoping that I would lose another 0.6 lbs just so I could get below 236 but that didn't happen. Unrealistic to expect that in one day but I was still hoping and still had a bit of disappointment. As long as the numbers keep going down from weigh in date to weigh in date, I'll be happy.

So tonight, I'm flipping through the stations and see Ruby is on. Don't know if you have ever watched the show. It's about a woman who weighed over 700 lbs and has lost over 300lbs. She is speaking with friends more about what she was like with food and how her addiction with food affected her life. I may not be as overweight as Ruby but I definitely shared some of the same thoughts and feelings. Unlike Ruby, I knew what I did wasn't normal but that didn't stop me from continueing to eat. It also made me look at what I am doing now.

My Mother has been living with me since the beginning of the year. I've lived by myself for about 15 years so it's been tough at times having someone else living here. I find when something happens and I get upset I go to food (I've mentioned this before and realize it's something I need to work on). I'm finding an old habit that I had forgotten about is lurking its ugly head again... closet eating. I used to hide my junk food habits a long time ago when I lived with other people. I find I'm starting it again and it worries me. Glad that I'm noticing it early but still worried that I need to get control of it now before I sabotage my weight loss efforts. It's one thing to want junk food or to have a second helping, but it's bad when I'm standing in the corner of the kitchen where my mother can't see me and I'm shoving food in my mouth.

My goal this week is NO CLOSET eating.

The numbers

Finished exercise class today and was feeling really good that I completed the first week and then reality slapped me in the face. Rita said, let's go upstairs and get your measurements...aauuuuggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! Why ruin a good week, can't she just let me live in my fantasy land until Monday? So we go upstairs, literally, up the stairs (what else would you expect from an exercise physiologist?) into the office and I sit down. I'm trying to relax, they are just numbers. I know they are going to be horrible, that's why I'm here. I weighed in at 236.8lbs and 33.25% body fat.

I've been looking at the numbers on the scale for a long time so the weight wasn't a big deal, but the body fat... Never had my composition done before and the 33.25% really slapped me in the face that I am obese and really need to lose weight, build muscle and get healthy.

Tomorrow is my usual weigh in day so I'll get on the scale again, even though I recorded it today. For consistency, I'll stick with Saturday as my weigh in day.

I am finding that most cravings have disappeared. The only left is ice cream and that's because I really do enjoy a soft serve cone in the summer. This year, I'll be getting the kiddie cone instead of the pint!

Quincy College Adult Exercise Reseach

Remember yesterday, I was going to allow myself one dessert... yeah, we all know that didn't happen. I had two whoopie pies, some ice cream and a few mini candies. It reminded me of years ago when I was going to start a diet on Monday and ended up pigging out on Sunday. I'm sure some of you understand that need to eat everything in sight (and out of sight) because once you start the diet that was it, the world was going to end. Yesterday is over and done with and I'm moving on today.

Today was my first day of exercise class. The commute down wasn't bad, a few slow spots but overall good. The toughest part was finding a parking spot. I went in, stopping off at the ladies room first. I saw what I looked like in my sweatpants and sweatshirt and wanted to turn around and go home. I looked so frumpy. Out of the ladies room and off to class. I was the first one there. Once I opened the door I saw Rita's smiling face. Rita is my trainer.

After a bit of paperwork and some rules, Rita began showing me how to use the equipment. Very nice equipment, all new Nautilus One machines. I like how Rita designed the "at machine" stretching. You do the exercise then the stretch immediately after. There are three lines of equipment and we did one line today. Still trying to figure what I can do. I can't wait until the training is done and I can go in and go through the routine and feel as though I've done something. My legs were a bit like spaghetti when I got home.

My goal for this month is to lose 7-10 pounds and build up enough courage to link this to my Facebook page.

Lesson for today... who cares what people think, just do it and you'll feel better once it's done. Of course it helps knowing that everyone will eventually be looking at me and thinking, wow, she looks great!!!

Easter

Well, this past week has been tough. At the beginning of the week, I was suppose to get together with a friend but a better offer came up so she cancelled with me. It's happened a few times and really makes me feel as though she'll only get together if there is nothing better to do. So, since I was angry, what did I do... that's right, I ate. I really need to figure out how to overcome the emotional eating. I don't even enjoy what I'm eating but I still eat.

Visited with some family yesterday. We got there and they had already ordered Chinese food. It was delicious but I over ate and last night my body told me exactly what it thought of putting all that fried, greasy food into it. Not sure if this is correct but I look at it like this. If I ate greasy fried foods a lot then my body would be used to it. Since it didn't have a nice reaction, maybe I'm eating better than I thought and just need to cut back on a few things.

I also decided that in order to lose weight I really need to start exercising. I try at home, the treadmill, exercise tapes,... you know how it goes, you do it for a couple of days and as soon as you take a day off, that's it for weeks or maybe even months before you get back on. Well, this time I decided to join an exercise class. A friend is doing research at Quincy College and has a research exercise class for adults. Since I know her and know that she makes everyone feel comfortable and not ashamed of themselves, I decided to take part. Granted, it's a haul to go from Gloucester to Quincy three times a week but I will feel more accoutable to a friend than to a stranger. Classes start tomorrow. I'll let you all know how it goes. If you want to check it out, she has a facebook page about the program, http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#!/event.php?eid=352211584844

If you haven't guessed by now, I did gain a couple of pounds this week but I'm sure with the exercise starting, I'll be able to loose it quickly. The key is to stop the upward climb NOW and get back on track as soon as possible.

With that said, I'm heading down to my brother's for Easter. I am allowing myself to have dessert but only one. Wish me luck, and Happy Easter to all who celebrate it.

A little about me and my adventure

hello... well, I have been thinking about doing a weight loss blog for several months now and today is the day. As you can see from my picture, I have a lot of weight to loose. All my life, my weight has been an issue. I'm sure some of you can relate to how your weight affects every thought you have. I'm tired of thinking what others think about how I look or whether or not I can make it up a hill when I'm out for a walk, or how about whether or not you can squeeze through an opening.

Now in my mid 40s, Health is creeping more and more into the picture. My hips and knees hurt and with a family history of rheumatiod arthritis, I'm getting a bit scared that if I don't lose weight, I may not be able to walk in another 20 years. So that is why this is MY YEAR to lose weight and get healthy. My birthday is Jan 2 so that was my start date for Annie's weight loss adventure.

Now for the scarey part... I am actually going to tell you my starting weight. On January 2, 2010 my weight was 250 lbs. It's now almost April and I have lost 13 lbs. I was hoping to have lost more by now but at least I have lost something so that's a positive.

Hope you join my adventure, whether you're trying to lose weight, maintain your weight or just offering good thoughts for success... welcome!

I'll be posting once a week, perhaps more if I'm at a point that I need a bit more support to overcome an obstacle.